May 1992
another deep sigh
as I take this in
with clenched fists and closed eyes
wracked with mortal sin
your agreeable countenance soothes like
a muddy rake,
I drag my bloody fingers
over my sorry face
fuck!
you suck
you brilliant conniving devil
with your
smiling loveless logic that
glares stupidly at me
I’m limply brandishing
a hollow memory
that might as well have happened to nobody
because I’m nobody
I felt like a queen until your unholy reign
splashed trash on my scene
and my shoes soaked through
you said you never could see how I suffered
why, didn’t I tell you?
it’s just not the same
we don’t work, we agree now
but this realization has me
plummeting down to hell
I’m so numb and sick
I don’t want
any remedy
just stay the fuck away from me
eventually
I’ll be well
1991
dear person
dear person
who’s been so damn unkind
I wrote
and sept
and ate
and yet
I cannot rest my mind
I want to send you everything
in one fat envelope
the good
the mad
the sexy
and the desperate greedy grope
I’m flexing my telepathy
you don’t materialize
you float
you drift
you bolt
you never do arrive
it’s like you died
March 25, 1992
let me introduce you to a brand new girl
less inclined to look alive
not so in love with the world
she’s different now
she’s changed
she’s shrinking into view
looking around, amazed
so ugly
but so true
nothing sticks to her
not anyone
not you
nobody can fix what broke inside her
not anything
not glue
cause after all
she’s different now
not sad
and not quite blue
they say that breaking up is hard to do,
now she knows
(knows that it’s true)
cause she woke up so different, baby
different after you
May 27, 1992
fate has finally pushed my hand
made it wave bye-bye
i’m stuck right here
to where i stand
too numb and broken to cry
nothing lessens the burden spent
on a useless love gone by
i wonder where my fortitude went?
i guess i’ll just lay down and die
oh, what’s wrong
with you and i
so long apart
yet still so hurt
you never want to see me again in your fucking life
and you ripped my favorite shirt
May 30, 1992
I’m afraid to talk to you
I’m afraid of why
I think I’m being swallowed
by love & hate & pride
when I hear mention of your name
I’m a thousand miles away
trapped in a maze of contradictions
my heart is led astray
I’m sure it’s just me
still stuck in our old shit
if you are too,
that’s something you won’t admit
‘cause it’s over and done
but not resolved
there ain’t no bitter end
I feel so unloved
so wholly rejected
you don’t want to be my friend
boys barking like construction dogs
sound like nail guns going off
cruising alleys, peeping windows
pigeons and rubbish blown by the wind go underneath abandoned cars,
where dirty tomcats lick their scars
a bad transmission rattles by
competing with the noisy skies
under the flight path, polluted beaches
are littered with hobos and
indigenous mooches
coat your intestines with the lardy fare
it’s odor clings to your nappy hair
then draw on your clove cig, contemplate
the UFO remnants on your plate
walk to the love shack on Cape May,
Tap into America while beading
smoke the Victor product all day
paint your toes and your hair,
then spend the afternoon sleeping
when evening falls, Tony’s calls
and to answer in kind you go
into that haven with vinyl sublime
and the barmen that never say no
Sweet Jimmy pours a mean libation
Ray keeps the riff-raff from biting,
but after a few, with balance askew,
Ray the bouncer becomes Ray the fighting
pool-shooting shorts-wearing long-haired locals
try their lungs at jukebox vocals
can’t ya see
can’t ya see
you’re seeing double and spinning
time to bail on this smoky joint
while you still feel like sinning
burritos at El Rodeo at two
where non-OB-tians get desperate
for that cutoff queen with a real tattoo
she’d avoid him like the plague
fighting off their bold advances,
it’s hard to eat while being inspected
crazy whack funky meth fiend dances,
each advance he makes cold rejected
homeward walking, three abreast
we come to the sacred spot
where sidewalk, bougainvillea, and fence form a nest,
and OB love is hot
under that tubular cavern we pause,
making a pact to hold dear
the golden magic of this place
we enshrined that brilliant year
